I may be only 22 years old, but I have certainly had my fair share of battles, in the mental health sense.
I am almost certain my mental health is biological, mainly due to pretty much all my family seemingly suffering from depression or anxiety.
There is no shame in it, but it has led me to feel a bit different from the other people my age.
Maybe it is a predisposition that I see the world in such an ugly world but the way I see it, it is hard to be happy when there is suffering.
That’s my problem, I care way too much about others and not enough about myself.
I openly suffer from depression and anxiety, though it’s been suggested my issues may be more deeply routed, such as a personality disorder but this is yet to be diagnosed.
It has made my life very hard to navigate, at times it has felt like I am the universes personal punching bag.
which has untimely defeated my confidence and left me with low self-esteem.
I believe this is the cause of my binge eating and body dysmorphia.
I have been abused more times than any person deserves, in every way possible.
So I have been left with layers of trauma, so I struggle to trust people, and to understand how to communicate or socialise.
It can get very lonely because of this, as I am so isolated from the rest of the world.
There was a time when I managed my anger and pain through substance abuse, self-harm, and suicide attempts.
I just hated my life and didn’t have the energy to go on, it felt cruel that I had such a hard life when I have always done my best to be giving and kind.
Despite all of life’s trials and my crippling mental health, which now manifests in physical symptoms such as abdominal pain, bleeding, and severe nausea, I have learned to manage my emotions.
I can’t say exactly how I did it, but it did start just by learning to open up.
Talking about my feelings without feeling ashamed, and discovering that my feelings are entirely normal and that I am not a problem.
Doing this allowed me to reflect, to look back at my life and take the path that best reflected who I am deep inside, not this shell.
Sometimes it means turning people down, saying no, and seeming selfish, but this is a strength as long as you are always kind.
Once I learned to understand who I was and what I was feeling, my past became less heavy, and I became less bitter.
I took all the trauma and turned it into a learning experience which can help others, since becoming this advocate the help that I give others seems to help me.
It gives me a purpose, and that is vital to recovery, we all have one we just need to find it.
I work on myself every day and I will clean as it gives me some productivity.
I write to make sense of my thoughts, and I jump on my living room trampoline to provide me with some much-needed endorphins.
It is a daily grind to recovery, some days I will forget to shower or to do something.
But that is ok and all part of dealing with my fair share of battles.
We can often be too hard on ourselves, forgetting that sometimes we just need to let ourselves rest.
In the next few months, I should be starting therapy, and I am so excited, it is something I need.
I will never be ashamed that I need professional health, I also take medication.
which has taken a while to get right, but it has helped me prevent those relapses.
The main thing is that I am now married, I live in my little home with our cat and dog and I live for myself.
I no longer abuse substances, I can hardly remember the last time I drank or smoked.
I’m over a year clean of self-harm, four years clean from suicide attempts.
I have achieved a healthy life with the most supportive little family and this is something I never thought was possible.
But it happened, and I believe everyone can achieve a more comfortable life if they try.
Sometimes it just starts with getting out of bed in the morning; little steps still reach the finish.
