It’s been over four years since my mental health took a turn for the worse and there are things that I still struggle with that I’d hoped to have found easier by now.

Large black clouds and demons still control specific dark thoughts that I want to leave me alone, but they won’t, and I don’t think they will ever disappear, so I have to accept that despite being on anti-depressants on and off for 4-years, I may never be drug-free.

Staying sober

The urge to drink myself into oblivion still haunts me, and there are certain times when I want to forget and dance around the room with a few friends and a few glasses of vino.

I sometimes forget that I no longer have friends who I can call on when I want a chat or go out with. I lost them all due to this undiagnosed mental health disorder.

Staying sober is a struggle.

However I’m now a lot fitter, I have saved a lot of money now I’m not drinking.

Lack of interaction with colleagues

I used to love team meetings when you would contribute something useful to your work colleagues, and you would also learn something from them that you never knew before.

Working alone can get lonely, with no one to discuss ideas with or brainstorm with.

However, I know it’s not the same, but there are always Facebook groups for bloggers and vloggers that I can share tips and advice with.

The problem is I struggle to make and maintain both personal and professional relationships.

Therefore I may have to accept the fact that I can’t work with people again.

I’m also often so hyperactive that no one can concentrate and I become a bit of a distraction.

Grans death

Last week was the 8^th anniversary of my Gran’s death, and one of the things that haunt me, and I still struggle with today is the very last words she said to me.

Her last words were “Please don’t leave me because I will have no one to talk to”, yet I left and never saw her again.

I remember the last time I saw Gran alive in August 2009.

It was late summer and mum, and I had gone up to see Gran and Grandad. I was staying in Aldershot with my Dad’s parents and Mum, and I had popped over for the day to see them.

I invited both my aunts out with Gran, mum, and I to the farm shop in Old Windsor, only one of my aunts came with my eldest cousin, the other aunt and her family never came because they were busy celebrating my uncle’s 50^th birthday.

Mum and I wheeled Gran out in the Wheelchair up the shops to meet up with my aunt and cousin.

We went to the park then to the farm shop for a drink. When we came back, Gran never wanted to go inside; she wanted to sit out in the sun.

I managed to take a few photos on my mobile phone, and I’m glad I did.

Looking back, it felt as if Gran never wanted to go inside because she didn’t want the day to end.

After all, it would be the last time that she would see her eldest daughter, her middle daughter, her eldest grandson, and granddaughter.

I can’t even put flowers on the grave because I live four and a half hours away.

My manic behaviours

I have tried to curve these by literally trying to wear myself out from excess exercise.

I use to virtually clock watch and struggle to sleep.

I have improved slightly due to 3 hours of training daily.

I go to HIIT sessions twice a week go to the gym five times a week, and go swimming for an hour a day six to seven times a week.

I joined Una Leisure back in September as I’m on a mission to lose weight and get fitter.

My manic behaviours can cause me to become sarcastic, irritable, and overexcited. These behaviours last weeks at a time.

Staying focused

I’m trying to stay focused, and I currently have a plan in place.

However, this can be difficult when I go on a tangent by failing to do tasks.

I’m easily distracted, and I often procrastinate.

Making decisions

I never used to struggle with making decisions.

One of the most significant decisions I need to make is whether I should work towards my master’s.

I’m considering doing the postgraduate certificate and seeing how I get on. This will cost me £2000