I will never be forgiven for my past, and it will always haunt me in this cold, unforgiving world of judgemental humans.

I have a criminal record, and I’m known by the police for being a nuisance stalker, although this isn’t true!

I’m unable to keep friends and boyfriends, which is why I’m staying away from humans for good.

Whenever I fall out with someone, I risk the police turning up on the doorstep, which isn’t good for my health.

I’ve also temporarily moved into my parents home in a new area, and I don’t want the neighbours getting any ideas and the pig brigade turning up at their home.

I will always face a dilemma when meeting new people.

Do I tell people about my past?

If I do, people will judge me and be frightened or hold it against me every time we fallout.

So, if I don’t tell them about my past, they could try to find out, or I will feel like I’m lying to them.

Sometimes I appear to come across as too pushy or needy, but I have a possible Emotionally Unstable personality disorder and Bipolar.

I say potential because I feel I’ve been misdiagnosed and told by a CMHT Psychiatrist I have bipolar traits, and I’m on the spectrum.

I have a mood disorder that CMHT has failed to treat me for.

Yes, I’ve done things that are out of character for a so-called average person to do, but I’m not manipulative, jealous and controlling like some ex associates would have you believe.

There is a friendly, caring and thoughtful side to me where I would do anything for my family and people I once considered friends.

I try so hard for people to love me and see me as a good person that I become too much to the point where people think I’m obsessed with friendships or relationships.

Which I believe is a EUPD trait.

The only difference is I don’t fear being abandoned or alone as I’ve always been this way and rarely connect with humans on a certain level—another reason why I try extra hard to keep people in my life.

I don’t want large groups of people, just a few loyal people who are hard to find, especially when you’re middle-aged with no partner or kids.

My main fear is being a failure, failing to hold down a job, relationships, friendships, and
buying a home.

For this reason, people will always judge me for having a criminal record and for having mental health issues.

I don’t want to be a victim.

I want to have the things in life like relationships, friendships, fun, sadly I don’t think it will ever happen.

Have you ever had trouble with your past haunting and forgiveness?