I spent years trying to avoid taking antidepressants, in September 2013 things became so bad that I had no choice.
I went to the doctors after being suspended from my job and falling out with my friends. I was a total mess and wanted to end it all.
I can’t remember how I ended up at the doctors, but somehow I managed to walk for a whole hour to get to the surgery. I was lucky enough to have a friendly female locum who prescribed me Sertraline and asked me to come back and see her in a few days time.
Sertraline is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).
The pill is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).
I didn’t want to go on tablets, and for years I have been struggling with highs and lows thinking they would just disappear and I can find my happy ending story. I previously took St Johns worts when things got really bad, just after my 21st birthday.
St Johns Worts are a natural herbal remedy, used for mild to moderate depression. I found them ok at the time, to the extent where I could stop crying, but they are certainly no cure.
When I first started taking antidepressants called sertraline, I had horrendous side effects including sickness and a bad stomach, but this settled down within a few days.
I was also offered CBT first at a lower level, and after a few sessions of talking, I was moved up a step to receiving higher intensity CBT, which are more in-depth sessions.
After completing my CBT sessions, I found that the sertraline and CBT sessions hadn’t even touched what was going on in my head, I even had a couple of counseling sessions with a private counsellor who deals with Bupa patients.
In March 2014 I hit rock bottom again when my Dad had a heart attack in January, I had fallen out with someone who I thought was my friend after receiving the news that my mum had a mass on her kidney and that she would have to have her kidney taken out.
This time the doctor prescribed more antidepressants this time Prozac another SSRI was used to treat depression. He gave me a prescription in case I needed it but told me I need to stop taking pills and just get on with life.
By the beginning of February 2015, I was at the doctors again, and this time I was put on the mental health team as I was worse than ever.
The mental health team took months to access me and when they did they got my notes mixed up. They put me on a relatively new medication called Venlafaxine(yet another SSRI) Antidepressant and anxiety tablet.
I was on the mental health team for over a year, and I have just been released from the team after 11 CAT sessions and no proper diagnosis. They said I have Adjustment disorder – Which according to Wikipedia and other sources is a stress related illness to life events and lasts no longer than six months – Anxiety and Personality disorder.
A personality disorder is also often mixed up with Bipolar 2, which they said they couldn’t rule out!
I’ve now been told that I have to try more Outlook South West lower level therapies because of NHS funding. I’m tempted to get another opinion from a private therapist because I’m angry about the way I have been treated.
I have had this illness for years, even throughout my school days there was always something different, the boredom, the angst, the tearaway. It wasn’t for attention or fear of abandonment(which is what Borderline Personality patients are known for) because I often felt like a bubble being protected because I was trapped, with so many expectations almost celebrity like. It wasn’t even life-related, at times life appeared to be ok, but I still felt like there was something missing. At times there was lots of people around me I wanted to scream let me out! I hated the spotlight yet I hated being hated!
Has anyone else had similar problems with antidepressants or getting a diagnosis? Perhaps you have been misdiagnosed? I’ve kept this inside for ages and now feel the time is right to let my voice be heard! I refuse to become another statistic shutting up and hiding away from society.